Yes Friends, we interrupt this marriage to bring you: Football Season. You want to know the best thing about the Football Season? Well, I ain't waiting for you to answer. It's announcers! Everyone's favorite part! It's probably the most fun you'll ever have: Just sitting there with a beer in one hand, some tailgater food in the other and listening to the asinine things that announcers say every Sunday in the National Football League. You loved it when we talked about it in April, well here we are in the season and it's time to go over the next three things you need to do in order to succeed as a Sports Announcer:
Four: Nothing is absolute. Even if you just said something like "The Saints won the Super Bowl last year." That's not absolute. You're never entirely sure. If you say "That was definitely defensive holding," if the replay show's that it wasn't, go ahead and change your mind! You get paid $800,000 to speak your opinion. If it was wrong, there's nothing in your contract that says you can't change your mind. Besides it's more important to be right than it is to look like an idiot. If you're looking at a great example of this, watch any game Phil Simms calls. I guarantee you'll see a shining example in the first 3 minutes of the first quarter.
Five: When you're asking questions to a player or coach, be annoying. Ask the most annoying question you can fathom. If a quarterback just lost the Super Bowl, ask something like "How does it feel to lose the single biggest game of your career?" They have to answer it. They're on National Television and they'll give you the generic answers "Well, the other team played great and they deserved to win and BLAH BLAH BLAH." This happens unless the player or coach has an actual personality or is extremely angry. Then you get such gems as "I'M A MAN! I'M 40!" or "THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!" and "PLAYOFFS?"
Six: Laugh at all humor attempts your co-announcer tries. You want them to do them to do the same for you right? If you fail to laugh at them just once, the next time you insert a zinger into your commentary: Dead Air. You look like a total Chump just like your co-host did. Also, make sure your laughter sounds genuine. Nothing's worse then a fake laugh to make the viewers uncomfortable. John Madden ultimately had to retire because people would laugh heartily at his attempts to be funny but it would take him 45 minutes to react to his co-host's attempts. Be timely and you'll sound like a true Sports Announcer.
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