Meet Your Cousin

April took Vivian to her cousin Connor's house and they all decided to see what would happen if they put them down next to each other. Well, as with any interaction among people that can't talk, you can't really hear what happened. Fortunately for you, I can read minds. Here is the hilarity that ensues within the interaction of newly found cousins :

V: Does anyone else see that I'm taller than this dude AND I'm 6 months younger? Raise your hand if you're with me.
C: What the heck? I've got at least two pounds on you, Twig!

V: I'm also a better dancer. Boom, boom, boom, shake da room YO!
C: Maybe, but I'm a better singer!

C: 99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! 99 BOTTLES OF BEER!
V: Better singer? I'll show you!

V: PUNCHED!!! Boom... outta here!
C: Ooooooooh weeeeeeeep...

C: Oh my head! Maybe if I bite my hand it won't hurt as bad...
V: What have I done? As punishment, I must roll off the blanket!

C: Wait! Don't end yourself! I forgive you.
V: Whew... that was a close one. I'm sorry. I hope we all learned something from this: Violence is not the answer. Let's go eat.

1/12 Birthday

Today V turned 1... Month. People keep track of this stuff. Seriously. We didn't get any cards or calls but people know it. C'mon, you knew it! We're at the one month mark which means that she's doing new things or different things compared to when she was 1 minute old. Here's a list of stuff that she's starting to do:

• Hold her head up for 11.29 seconds.
• Cries when she has a bath.
• Grabs her pacifier out of her mouth.
• Cries when she gets changed.
• Sucks on Daddy's Nose ™ when he can't find a pacifier.
• Cries when she's tired.
• Stands up (assisted) and gives you weird looks.
• Cries when you're sleeping.
• Vulcanizes your tires while you wait.
• Cries when she's breathing.

So you can see she's amassed a plethora of wild and wooly tricks. We've actually been impressed with her progress thus far. Hopefully she'll be detailing cars soon because we could use that skill in the family. The fact is that we're very proud parents thus far and are looking forward to seeing what she does next. We'll keep you posted.

Parent's are delusional. I know everyone says they have the cutest kid, smartest kid, etc. But really, have you ever seen a baby cuter than ours? You haven't and you know it. There's really no way you can convince any parent that their kid isn't the cutest, unless the kid looks like Rocky after fighting Apollo. Then they'll probably agree with you. I say probably because, as we've just discussed, parents are delusional. Ya know what though... She is the cutest baby... ever.

Boyfriends

Yesterday we had the Posenjaks and their three sons over for Cinco de Mayo. Twas a una buena noche had by all. The only problem with the visit was that Vivian now is oggling any male that walks by has an affinity for guys. There she was sitting like a lady, batting her baby eyelashes as she was surrounded by three strapping young lads. I know that she's a hottie but I thought I wasn't going to have to lock her up until she was 21 years not 21 days. Ya can't win 'em all. This is unfortunate because I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to lock her up with her mother around showing her off to everyone. I'll keep you posted.

On a brighter note, I brewed a baby beer in honor of V's entrance into oxygen breathing existence. It's an American Amber Wheat style beer. It's called "Baby, Baby Can't You Drink My Heart Wheat" in honor of V's second favorite band, Herman's Hermits. If you'd like a taste, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the address on your screen. Vivian tasted it and said "Quite possibly the finest Amber Wheat I've ever tasted, even if it is the first one I've ever tasted." Here are some pictures to wet your whistle whilst you wait for your envelope to get mailed back to you:

This is what we found on our doorstep the morning of her birthday.

We told her to strike a sexy pose and this is what she did. Very tasteful!

She's talking to the flowers here telling them how cool her Dad is.

We told her the feathers were edible.

Then after she ate them, we told her we were kidding.

We'd like to show you what happened next but we censored it for those with weak stomachs.

Impression Day

Here are some older, newer but all never before released photos of V. It's "Impression Day" here at the ole Blog. See your favorite characters from your past, all relived before you here at "Impression Day!"

This is her impression of the Bearded Lady.

April after she's had one too many to drink...

Holding it all in so dad doesn't have to change it. I call this Good Girl.

Momma's Little Angel. (I'd post one of me holding her, but she's always crying.)

Derek Zoolander's Blue Steel... or Magnum...

A Munchkin of Oz: "We represent The Lollipop Guild, The Lollipop Guild, The Lollipop Guild!"

The NFL Draft

The first round of the 2010 NFL Draft was today. It's hilarious folks. Seriously, have you ever watched it? It's 10-15 lucky chumps that get paid to talk experts that wax eloquent about the prospect of a college athlete making their future NFL teams into much better NFL teams. Here's an actual quote (almost): "If this guy does the same or better than he did in college, there's no reason to doubt that he won't make it in the National Football League." What does that mean?

There are three things that you need to do in order to succeed as TV Sports Announcer:
One: Say all acronyms completely. None of this NFL, MLB or SCUBA junk; You hammer out National Football League, Major League Baseball or Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Try this one and watch yourself get smoked by some Foo. "Hey didn't the National Aeronautics and Space Administration increase all of their Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act paperwork because a Central Intelligence Agency worker stole an Automated Teller Machine and contracted Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus?" Yeah, that's right... you're the coolest.

Two: Talk in extreme hyperbole and generalities. Use words like: upside, value and potential to describe someone good and downside, issues and gamble to describe someone bad. Say things like: "This wildly entertaining defensive back has the strength of 1,000 men and if he stays positively healthy is going to be a great value, but if he's hit with a devastating or debilitating injury his potential will be severely limited causing people to insatiably wonder if this hugely controversial pick was a gamble that could result in an earthquake of epic proportions."

Three: Learn the language. There's a lingo that goes along with the "sports world." Start sentences with "You talk about..." and then insert what ever the heck everyone else has been saying about the subject for the last 20 years and you're money. When you agree with someone, you can't just agree with a simple "I agree." You have to say almost the exact thing that the person you're agreeing with said; but word it in a way that people don't think you're saying it. Practice the next time someone says "I love pizza." Then say, "Pizza IS great but when you talk about pizza, you have to talk about the best part about pizza and that's the tremendous upside it has over other comparable food."

Sleep Deprivation Rocks

It's been almost a full week since our sleep has been altered by this creature others call "the baby." I have to say that the worst part about this kid has been that we now have no "personal" time. It's strange because we used to have days off from each other and time to do our own thing but that ain't happening any more, Peoples. Sounds pretty selfish right? Well it is. It's what people say is the "reason" why people have children: You have children so God can teach you humility, unselfish behavior and how to operate on three hours of light cat naps per night. The fact is that you really get your first lesson when you get married and all decision making privileges get instantly revoked you have to start talking about things. Then when you have this kid your life instantly becomes even less about you and more about your family. God has funny ways of teaching us to think about others: It's called force.

Anyway, here are some more pictures because I know everyone's been waiting with reckless abandon to see more of the Kid.

Proud mom with her daughter trying to eat the burp rag instead of burp into it.

This is the only time she's ever been normal since we've had her.

Just had her first beer and she zonked. She's a light-weight just like her mom!

This is before we told her she's going to have to pay for her own college education.

And this is right after...

At her first Doctor's visit. All systems nominal.

Vivian Renee Lee: 8lb 2oz, 21 "

A couple of you thought I was joking but we did actually go to the hopsicle to have a kid. I say this only because you read that last entry and I was pretty casual about it. I posted that 6 hours before we went. Yes friends, I have PSE and Lysdexia. Needless to say, Vivian Renee Lee now exists among us. You'll note throughout the Blog that I will affectionately refer to her as V or The Kid.

For those of you that will or want to ask, here's a rundown of what happened (All times are approximate):
4/11 - 6:00 pm - April says "It's time to go." I take this as a sign that she's probably not kidding. She works in a blasted medical clinic folks! I'm pretty sure it's time. So we went.
7:00 - We get checked in and they tell us that we have to wait an hour to see if we can stay.
8:00 - We get to stay.
9:00 - April's mom comes in. We discussed things like how we want to "go natural" (which if you've never had a kid, sounds worse than it actually is), our timeline and other normal things. Keep in mind at this point everything is normal. Soon after this, my mom comes in. Everything was going normal.
11:00 - Everything was going normal up until this time, did I say that? So then April starts feeling some pain, babies heart rate drops, the nurse screws something up and we get totally bum rushed by 4 nurses and a doctor who half force April into doing an Epidural. Let me just say something right now, this was the second weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. Probably the first for April.
4/12 - 12:00 am - April's mom, my mom and I still reeling from the shock of what just happened but at least she's resting. It's pretty boring now.
3:00 - Still boring.
6:00 - Still boring but Starbizzle just opened so we rejoice accordingly.
8:00 - ALRIGHT ALREADY, DO SOMETHING!!! We're a little frustrated at this point but she's progressed enough to "start thinking about pushing here really soon."
9:00 - Dr. comes in and she figures out that V is (as they say in the medical biz) Sunny Side Up. So she's either got to turn or she ain't coming out the way she came in. I think that works... So April starts moving around a whole bunch to get her to turn. At this point we realize the epidural has worn off and actually come out. Begin countdown to pain.
10:00 - Begin pain. V has turned enough to start pushing so April starts pushing... and pushing...
10:30 - And pushing...
11:00 - And pushing...
11:30 - We have liftoff! There she is bringing down the house with the wails of a champion!

What follows is a picture gallery of some fun moments before and after the pregnancy. Enjoy yourselves and your sleep.

This is us about one month before the due date. We've been sleeping pretty well up until this point.

Approximately 5 minutes after the delivery. Sitting like a lady already!

Grandma's first grandchild! We couldn't get her out of her hands for about 6 hours after this.

April only authorized one picture of her after the birth. Here you go.

I told her to do her best impression of a mad turtle. Pretty good, huh?

First couple moments in the new room at the hopsicle and we're alert and ready to exist.

April didn't authorize this picture but I'm putting it up anyway. We're on our way home!

Her first moment in her new home! She just loves the decor!